Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the … Continue reading I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened
There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last … Continue reading Why Can’t We Be Friends?
I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because … Continue reading With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.
He watches as she parks her car and begins her run, each day the same routine: one minute walking, one minute at a pathetic, shuffling semblance of jogging until she reaches the same wooded halfway point. She is pretty, but curvy, which is what men say when they mean "you're fat but I'll fuck you anyway" … Continue reading Inside Her
Breaking news: A 45 year-old woman was reportedly questioned and released today after being traumatized by Google search results that she received when she entered the search term "Nick Cage and Vince Neil Dance Battle" Police were called when the woman, who is actually 46, was heard shouting by neighbors after a google search of the two celebrities … Continue reading Girl, Don’t Go Away Mad
Are you down? Troubled? Do you need a helping hand? Is nothin' - whoa, nothin' going right? Are you chapped because I just earwormed you with James Taylor? Well, nut the hell up. Did you think I was going to give you something helpful? Have you not been paying attention? That's what therapists are for. … Continue reading You’ve Got a Friend, Maybe
(Image: forums.beamdog.com) Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the … Continue reading Things I Learned From the Mouse
Well, it's too late, now, you've missed them. Social media has made me careless. Not gonna lie. I make fun of paranoid people all the time, particularly since I got involved with managing a Facebook page and a blog, because all the things that used to be so important on my personal profile don't … Continue reading Have You Seen My Boobs?
This will not be a memorable post. Cathartic, maybe. You see something and you can't stop seeing it, and everything you try to write is tainted by it. I posted a video yesterday on my personal page, of my little girl, when she was five, singing "I've Got A Shiny Hiney" because I missed … Continue reading Monsters
Gentlemen: I want to talk about your lingam. Not to be confused with your lingus. Although I am fond of them both. Well, not yours, specifically. As far as I know. The 90's were kind of a blur. Anyway. I have been sick for the last few days, which has left me with several … Continue reading Don’t Know How You Do The Voodoo That You Do…