I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened

Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the … Continue reading I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened

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Why Can’t We Be Friends?

There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last … Continue reading Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead

Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as … Continue reading Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead

With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.

I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because … Continue reading With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.

Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer

I'm never sure if I should say anything, when these things happen. Once a convenience store clerk gave me back my $20 in my change. I gave it back to him because he came running after me yelling "stop thief!" it was the right thing to do. Now, that time McDonald's accidentally gave my daughter … Continue reading Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer