Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the … Continue reading I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened
There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last … Continue reading Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as … Continue reading Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead
I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because … Continue reading With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.
I'm never sure if I should say anything, when these things happen. Once a convenience store clerk gave me back my $20 in my change. I gave it back to him because he came running after me yelling "stop thief!" it was the right thing to do. Now, that time McDonald's accidentally gave my daughter … Continue reading Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer
I'm typing this one handed. Because I have my left hand twisted behind my back, jammed up under my bra strap clawing at the imaginary spiders. Get your mind to curb level. My neighbors are trying to sell their house. I know because when I drove by they were showing it. Well. Also there is … Continue reading MILF on Fire
(From last year. I just ate McDonald's pancakes in bed, the cat isn't any more receptive to photoshoots and that other problem, well...) It's my cat's birthday, or close to it, gauging from her approximate age when I brought her home. It is also Mother's Day weekend, and I can't think of a better metaphor … Continue reading Never Mind. I Got This.
It's my cat's birthday, or close to it, gauging from her approximate age when I brought her home. It is also Mother's Day weekend, and I can't think of a better metaphor for motherhood than the time I had too much wine and adopted a kitten. Drunk Me is very susceptible to kittens. She is, in fact, … Continue reading Never Mind. I Got This.
So I got on the scale the other day, after a month hiatus. That was the scream you heard. Sorry, Upstate New York. Turns out the "You're Not the Boss of Me" approach to meal planning isn't the solution that I had hoped it would be. My first instinct was to go make fun of myself … Continue reading Me vs. Gravity