That post image is way more dramatic than I feel. Where we left off: ...I had just proved I wasn’t even a good enough writer to find a home for a piece that I had no fucking business writing. And I was done. This is SUPER boring. I know. But it's helping. So, I turned … Continue reading Angst
Well, I have managed to stretch out one free write into a three part-er and that is cool because I didn't want to write this weekend anyway: I still don't know what is going to happen when my original domain expires in June. But onward. I suppose if the last two years have taught me … Continue reading So
I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I was just suddenly SO DONE with That Shameless Hussy. It was cute while it lasted. It was a feisty persona. Awesome cover art. Made some very funny business cards on that persona. "Disappointing Masturbators Since 2013." "Participation Trophy Wife." I was ready for something … Continue reading Obviously
Now I've spent all day messing around on my new blog. Pretty sure I did something wrong. Pretty sure my site is going to self-destruct in about an hour. So I thought I'd give you a historical tour of my artwork. Because do you know how angry I am going to be if I lose … Continue reading Well
I have deleted 2500 words of ragey garbage. I can publish boring garbage, but angry garbage can hurt people. I am scheduling this post for 5pm tomorrow. If I haven't come up with anything better - this is what you get. I know! I'm sorry. I am, meanwhile, overwhelmed with joy for those of you … Continue reading Plan
A wise friend said "There are bloggers who write, and there are writers who blog." I think that's true - which is not to assume that you can't be good at both. Some folks seem to prefer the day to day updates taken at face value, others turn those experiences into something else. No shame … Continue reading Ponder
The two woman walked single file down the path, into the trees. The taller of the two talked over her shoulder at the one behind. They were close enough to hear each other but far enough apart that conversation carried down the trail behind them. Had there been someone following at a safe distance, they … Continue reading Spider
Good habits that I have started because of this: I am recording via voice text good ideas that I have when I don't have access to a computer. Then I come back to them later and have no fucking idea what I was trying to say because voice text is a vindictive squirrel. But a … Continue reading Ketchup
12:58am I’m writing this from my phone in bed because I forgot. (and then she fell asleep.) (and she woke up thinking she had written, but she had not) 11:31am I’ll write something after breakfast. (but she did not eat breakfast. She drank coffee and them she changed out of her nice soft pajamas into … Continue reading Unprofound
So something really exciting happened. As you may know, I used the word poop 1,000,000,0022 times yesterday. On the blog post. Not out loud. Quit asking silly questions. That is not the exciting part. Lo and behold, in the reader at the bottom of my published post appeared two links to other wordpress articles whose … Continue reading Zhuzh
If I play my cards right, it’s possible for me, just by being myself, to be called a snowflake libtard, a white feminist, an apologist, a racist, a whatever-disgusting-slur the alt-right/Nazis cook up for anyone who doesn’t agree with their drooling rhetoric, a baby killer, a gun humper, a feminist whore, an old lady, … Continue reading Dragon
I wrote this in a satire class and have since decided it is amusing, but not worth any further revisions. Regarding This Year's Post Mid-Term Family Holiday Celebration November 6, 2018 Hello from Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex! We know we are sending out our holiday letter a little early, but Thanksgiving is just around … Continue reading Meh
I wonder how many times I'm going to apologize for being terrible at this before I just get on with it. The point was to get into a habit of writing at the same time every day - the reality is that I've just managed to write for a few minutes a day, which is … Continue reading Curmudgeon
18 Steps to Enjoy Your Annual Internet-Free Getaway With Your Mother and Sister For Which You Only Have Yourself to Blame 1. PLAN your screen-free getaway in a cannibas-friendly location because the only way you can share a bed with your sister’s dogs for an entire weekend while listening to your mother describe her bowel … Continue reading Funny
As in, Committed to Writing This Whether I Want to Or Not Let's talk about frozen dead guys and dream carousels! In 1989 Bredo Morstoel (Bread-dough More-stul) died of heart failure during a nap at his mountain retreat in Norway. He was director of parks and Recreation in Baerum County, Norway for 30 years … Continue reading Committed
Another Halloween has come and gone. Not long ago I lamented how both of my kids were about to be too old to trick or treat. It was very poignant and sad. But my 15 year-old son and his 15 year-old girlfriend dressed up as Rick and Morty and went this year, and then they … Continue reading Savasana
I got my hair darkened a week or two ago - right before my birthday, which is a great time to do that. Before, it was blonde with a purple streak and now it is kind of a chestnut - with a purple streak that is less noticeable. I'm not sure how long I will … Continue reading Invisible
First in the series of Somethingest prompts, as supplied by Rarasaur, which worked out magnificently because.... My new blog. My new blog is unfinished. I have been ruminating about this for months. Nablopoblano seemed the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of That Shameless Hussy and debut my new, more subdued creative space. So … Continue reading Something Unfinished
I have been waiting right here! Never mind, it doesn't matter now. I wrote a thing. I finally got to use the Tim Curry/Darkness laugh, which is probably more exciting than the writing. Enjoy!
Do you know what this is? No, not up there. That’s Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, duh. Down there. The picture down there. No, not...what? It doesn't look anything like a vagina, what the hell is wrong with you? Ok, you need to maybe check your Pornhub filters before this conversation goes any further because … Continue reading I Have No Idea What to Call This
That’s kind of a dramatic title. I have miles to go before I sleep, is the point. BA in English Lit, Robert Frost and all that. If you’re reading this, I’m in Amelia Island, FL with my momma and sister and my nephdogs for what will likely be the last time. I KNOW! I can’t … Continue reading Promises to Keep
OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!
Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.
Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.
Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?
Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.
Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?
Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…
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In 1998, I had an experience on a first date that was very similar to what "Grace" described in her interview with Babe magazine about her "date" with Aziz Ansari. There are differences, of course. My date wasn't a celebrity, he was more aggressively persistent, and he actually injured me physically. I had never been … Continue reading Instead of Looking For Ways to Excuse Aziz Ansari, Try Raising the Bar
Well, that's a terrible title. But it's better than what I came up with originally. It’s better than all seventeen ideas I came up with originally. Particulary those involving Unnatural Acts and Certain Public Figures Being Forcibly Launched Into Orbit. If the year could be expressed in a gif, it would be this one: … Continue reading I’d Like to Give the World the Finger
Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the … Continue reading I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened
What do you think of the new art? I dig it. I'm on The Haven being mediocrely satirical. Which may or may not be my new band name.*shrugs* Come visit. The view is nice, funny people are there, and The Founder is only cranky sometimes. ************************************ The Handmaid's Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather? … Continue reading While I Wasn’t Here…..
Let's cut to the chase: I have a tumor. In my leg. I'm not that worried, actually. I'm sure it's nothing. I just kneeded a subject, tibia honest. Anyway. It's (probably) called an enchondroma, unless it isn't, in which case it could be called a chondrosarcoma and this will become a very awkward post in the near future. No, … Continue reading Going Out On a Limb
I don't even know what the fuck that means. I was scrolling Facebook last week before bed, and chasing my blood pressure and cholesterol meds with my usual bedtime snack of three fibergummies*: an amber one and two dark red ones whose actual flavors elude me, when that phrase floated through my brain, right on the heels of realizing that … Continue reading The Revolution Will Be Fueled by Fibergummies
There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last … Continue reading Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as … Continue reading Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead
I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because … Continue reading With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.
I have failed NaNoPoblano. It's ok. I already know. I was hoping the daily deadline would help free me up, but it turns out that even I am not the boss of me. I defied me at every turn, and life events were happy to jump in and steal the time I had set aside … Continue reading Leftovers
There is a jagged crack in the ceiling of this freight elevator; paint over a splintered fracture that buckles slightly in the center. Two pieces pushed together impatiently and then abandoned to decide for themselves how they fit. Hardly noticeable. A doorman runs the freight elevator even though it is automated. The day shifter runs … Continue reading The Night Doorman
I was angry when I wrote this Forgive me if it goes astray... 😉 ******************* Thank you for showing me what your face actually looks like when you peel back the skin - the carefully applied camouflage and strategic shading revealing something burnt and diseased and decayed, the fascia tearing like a bandage being ripped from an … Continue reading Thank You.
It wasn't our last Halloween as parents of trick or treaters. But it was close. The first Halloween I was a parent, my son was six weeks old and helpless to resist. I dressed up, and I bought a ton of candy, and I decorated the porch. No one else did. The doorbell rang eight … Continue reading Halloween Street
I had lunch with my mom today. For those who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this: Go put on your favorite outfit, one in which you look your best, or are the most comfortable. It doesn't matter what it is, the point is to feel as good about yourself as possible. Sit down, pour yourself some nice, … Continue reading The Fun Part’s Over
That's right. It's better than yours. Today is my birthday. I am "waxes my lady parts the same day I pluck my chin" old. I am a Libra, and, as such, am way more balanced and rational than you. Also I am charming and irresistible, especially on wax and pluck days. I have always been … Continue reading My Sun Sign Brings All the Boys to Uranus
As you are reading this, I am probably standing at the south end of a northbound cow made entirely of butter, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers made of....teenagers, using my new hella rap skills to bridge the generational gap. That's how I picture it, anyway. I volunteered to chaperone my son's 7th grade trip to the … Continue reading Why Is This Cow Smiling?
It's raining outside, and there are five feral cats lounging on my patio. I am running a halfway house for errant felines. I'd post a picture but every time I try Aunty Gomez freaks out and runs out into the rain and I don't want her to get wet. Here in a bit I will go out … Continue reading Read This Or I Will Murder a Kitten
(sifting through stuff in my drafts folder) My punctuality-impaired friend - we are on to you. We know that you aren't a bad person. Children don't always cooperate. Traffic is sometimes terrible. Flat tires, weather, locusts - yes, sometimes it isn't your fault. But sometimes, it just is. Like when the birthday party/baby shower/wedding has already … Continue reading We Know Why You Were Late
Because it's time for a short, peppy listicle post! And because I am dying of boredom in a waiting room. *drinks Ensure* So here goes. I thought it would be best to stick with what I (don't) know. Ten things that I don't understand and/or like: "21 Day Yoga Shred." Is that like "Death by … Continue reading The Struggle is Probably Imaginary
Just to keep things in perspective, today I spent twenty minutes arguing with my son over the structural integrity of a $20 backpack vs. a $60 backpack, and an hour dragging my daughter out of bed and making her wear actual clothes. Again. But as we finish up our last week of summer freedom, I … Continue reading These Days Aren’t Mine to Keep
"Every day is Judgement Day. Always has been. Always will be." ~ Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All I almost didn't see her. I sat there, in my teller chair, safely behind bulletproof glass, wishing for 6 o'clock. Outside, the street in front of the bank had just begun to fill up with rush hour traffic, everyone hurrying to get … Continue reading Sanctimony Don’t Cost a Thing
"We’re creating a world of dummies. Angry dummies who feel they have the right, the authority and the need not only to comment on everything, but to make sure their voice is heard above the rest, and to drag down any opposing views through personal attacks, loud repetition and confrontation." ~ Ray Williams, Anti-Intellectualism and … Continue reading Can We Talk?
I'm never sure if I should say anything, when these things happen. Once a convenience store clerk gave me back my $20 in my change. I gave it back to him because he came running after me yelling "stop thief!" it was the right thing to do. Now, that time McDonald's accidentally gave my daughter … Continue reading Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer
That title doesn't even make sense. How are we supposed to sort out what's really going on there? What IS happening to that cat? It looks unethical. This blog sucks. So, I guess there was a rumble in the blogosphere, or something? Some blogger on blogger conflict. I wasn't part of the action. I'm not very relevant. … Continue reading Open Letter to Cat Eating Foot Bloggers
(Image: forums.beamdog.com) Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the … Continue reading Things I Learned From the Mouse
Forty seconds. Any one of a thousand mornings, a man leaves one place and drives toward another. Maybe he forgets his lunch, or his shoe is untied, or he drops his smokes, so he’s late. Or maybe he doesn’t, it isn’t, or he quit a year ago, and he is right on schedule. Maybe he pounds the … Continue reading Forty Seconds
It came in the mail, those months ago, with very little fanfare, as mail tends to do. As with most things, I handled it like a mature and responsible adult. I googled "Goth Hippie Freakshow" and asked my husband if he thought it would make sense to actually dye my hair purple. Fake piercings are probably … Continue reading How Not to Avoid Jury Duty