From the beginning

My Own Worst Frenemy

I just went back and read a few of my essays and while some are still funny *pats self on back*, I really do like this misanthropic groove. I’m starting to think it has become an excuse. The writing workshop did not solve all of my writing problems. But I did create a complete, mediocre … Continue reading My Own Worst Frenemy

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Eat, Swear, Loathe – Part 1: Preparing for my trip to Italy

  WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS PICTURE? IS SHE TRYING TO CATCH THAT MAN WITH HER BREASTS? I am leaving for Italy in 19 days. I am being perfectly reasonable and not at all crazy about this.   I always have a little pre-vacay anxiety. Fear that I will get sick with something that … Continue reading Eat, Swear, Loathe – Part 1: Preparing for my trip to Italy

Probably Not the Only New Years Post You Will Read Today

OMG FUCK OFF 2018. Although I will admit that toward the end, because of midterms, you managed to somewhat elevate yourself and release us from the grip of the Human Centipede: Let's Make a Circle variety show that was 2018, there is still much work to do, and I am so ready to move on … Continue reading Probably Not the Only New Years Post You Will Read Today

Human

(Actual unoriginal magnet from my fridge.) I internalize negativity like my skin does sunlight - it doesn't take long to burn me and send me inside to sit in the dark hating everyone and everything. The internet is best experienced with a clear understanding that it is whole LOT of voices, millions, many of which … Continue reading Human

Holy—

The morning did not start well. I posted this already but I'm not going through that whole picture-resize shenanigans again. "I will relay this with as little bitterness as I can. Hubs fell asleep in front of the TV and rolled over on the remote volume at 4am so I had to come down and … Continue reading Holy—

Musing

"Comedy has changed so much since then; it has become unrecognizable since I first began interviewing her in 2016. It has gone from being a variety of ways to tickle a person — real life, funny because it’s true, ironic funny, deadpan funny, parody funny, no-duh funny, slapstick, farce, absurdity, pratfalls, a real variety — … Continue reading Musing

Wink

The small rechargeable cat scratched the emergency backup cat in the eye because he is an asshole. So I made an appointment at the vet and fell asleep. And I woke to having missed the appointment. And they said "that's fine! just bring her now!" But she was hiding, she and her winky eye, under … Continue reading Wink

Penny

Where we left off: Descending into pathos now. Not where I was going. Where was I going? I'm not sure it matters. And then...the political climate. Politically, I can get along fine with everyone if I just abandon my principles. And that is all I'm going to say about that. Oh, and - we are … Continue reading Penny

So

Well, I have managed to stretch out one free write into a three part-er and that is cool because I didn't want to write this weekend anyway: I still don't know what is going to happen when my original domain expires in June. But onward. I suppose if the last two years have taught me … Continue reading So

Plan

I have deleted 2500 words of ragey garbage. I can publish boring garbage, but angry garbage can hurt people. I am scheduling this post for 5pm tomorrow. If I haven't come up with anything better - this is what you get. I know! I'm sorry. I am, meanwhile, overwhelmed with joy for those of you … Continue reading Plan

Spider

The two woman walked single file down the path, into the trees. The taller of the two talked over her shoulder at the one behind. They were close enough to hear each other but far enough apart that conversation carried down the trail behind them. Had there been someone following at a safe distance, they … Continue reading Spider

Zhuzh

So something really exciting happened. As you may know, I used the word poop 1,000,000,0022 times yesterday. On the blog post. Not out loud. Quit asking silly questions. That is not the exciting part. Lo and behold, in the reader at the bottom of my published post appeared two links to other wordpress articles whose … Continue reading Zhuzh

Dragon

  If I play my cards right, it’s possible for me, just by being myself, to be called a snowflake libtard, a white feminist, an apologist, a racist, a whatever-disgusting-slur the alt-right/Nazis cook up for anyone who doesn’t agree with their drooling rhetoric, a baby killer, a gun humper, a feminist whore, an old lady, … Continue reading Dragon

Meh

I wrote this in a satire class and have since decided it is amusing, but not worth any further revisions. Regarding This Year's Post Mid-Term Family Holiday Celebration November 6, 2018 Hello from Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex! We know we are sending out our holiday letter a little early, but Thanksgiving is just around … Continue reading Meh

Funny

18 Steps to Enjoy Your Annual Internet-Free Getaway With Your Mother and Sister For Which You Only Have Yourself to Blame 1. PLAN your screen-free getaway in a cannibas-friendly location because the only way you can share a bed with your sister’s dogs for an entire weekend while listening to your mother describe her bowel … Continue reading Funny

I Am The Unworn One-Piece You Once Loved. And You Don’t Spark Joy For Me Either, Helen.

OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!

Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.

Little Old Lady Comedy

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Hello, Helen.

Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.

Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?

Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.

Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?

Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…

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Instead of Looking For Ways to Excuse Aziz Ansari, Try Raising the Bar

In 1998, I had an experience on a first date that was very similar to what "Grace" described in her interview with Babe magazine about her "date" with Aziz Ansari. There are differences, of course. My date wasn't a celebrity, he was more aggressively persistent, and he actually injured me physically. I had never been … Continue reading Instead of Looking For Ways to Excuse Aziz Ansari, Try Raising the Bar

I’d Like to Give the World the Finger

Well, that's a terrible title. But it's better than what I came up with originally. It’s better than all seventeen ideas I came up with originally. Particulary those involving Unnatural Acts and Certain Public Figures Being Forcibly Launched Into Orbit. If the year could be expressed in a gif, it would be this one:   … Continue reading I’d Like to Give the World the Finger

Things I Learned From the Mouse

(Image: forums.beamdog.com)   Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the … Continue reading Things I Learned From the Mouse