Since the beginning

Angst

That post image is way more dramatic than I feel. Where we left off: ...I had just proved I wasn’t even a good enough writer to find a home for a piece that I had no fucking business writing. And I was done. This is SUPER boring. I know. But it's helping. So, I turned … Continue reading Angst

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Meh

I wrote this in a satire class and have since decided it is amusing, but not worth any further revisions. Regarding This Year's Post Mid-Term Family Holiday Celebration November 6, 2018 Hello from Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex! We know we are sending out our holiday letter a little early, but Thanksgiving is just around … Continue reading Meh

I Have No Idea What to Call This

Do you know what this is? No, not up there. That’s Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, duh. Down there. The picture down there. No, not...what? It doesn't look anything like a vagina, what the hell is wrong with you? Ok, you need to maybe check your Pornhub filters before this conversation goes any further because … Continue reading I Have No Idea What to Call This

I Am The Unworn One-Piece You Once Loved. And You Don’t Spark Joy For Me Either, Helen.

OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!

Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.

Little Old Lady Comedy

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Hello, Helen.

Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.

Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?

Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.

Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?

Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…

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Instead of Looking For Ways to Excuse Aziz Ansari, Try Raising the Bar

In 1998, I had an experience on a first date that was very similar to what "Grace" described in her interview with Babe magazine about her "date" with Aziz Ansari. There are differences, of course. My date wasn't a celebrity, he was more aggressively persistent, and he actually injured me physically. I had never been … Continue reading Instead of Looking For Ways to Excuse Aziz Ansari, Try Raising the Bar

I’d Like to Give the World the Finger

Well, that's a terrible title. But it's better than what I came up with originally. It’s better than all seventeen ideas I came up with originally. Particulary those involving Unnatural Acts and Certain Public Figures Being Forcibly Launched Into Orbit. If the year could be expressed in a gif, it would be this one:   … Continue reading I’d Like to Give the World the Finger

I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened

Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the … Continue reading I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened

While I Wasn’t Here…..

What do you think of the new art? I dig it. I'm on The Haven being mediocrely satirical. Which may or may not be my new band name.*shrugs* Come visit. The view is nice, funny people are there, and The Founder is only cranky sometimes. ************************************ The Handmaid's Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather? … Continue reading While I Wasn’t Here…..

The Revolution Will Be Fueled by Fibergummies

I don't even know what the fuck that means. I was scrolling Facebook last week before bed, and chasing my blood pressure and cholesterol meds with my usual bedtime snack of three fibergummies*: an amber one and two dark red ones whose actual flavors elude me, when that phrase floated through my brain, right on the heels of realizing that … Continue reading The Revolution Will Be Fueled by Fibergummies

Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead

Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as … Continue reading Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead

With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.

I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because … Continue reading With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.

The Night Doorman

There is a jagged crack in the ceiling of this freight elevator; paint over a splintered fracture that buckles slightly in the center. Two pieces pushed together impatiently and then abandoned to decide for themselves how they fit. Hardly noticeable. A doorman runs the freight elevator even though it is automated. The day shifter runs … Continue reading The Night Doorman

Thank You.

I was angry when I wrote this Forgive me if it goes astray... 😉 ******************* Thank you for showing me what your face actually looks like when you peel back the skin - the carefully applied camouflage and strategic shading revealing something burnt and diseased and decayed, the fascia tearing like a bandage being ripped from an … Continue reading Thank You.

The Fun Part’s Over

I had lunch with my mom today. For those who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this: Go put on your favorite outfit, one in which you look your best, or are the most comfortable. It doesn't matter what it is, the point is to feel as good about yourself as possible. Sit down, pour yourself some nice, … Continue reading The Fun Part’s Over

We Know Why You Were Late

(sifting through stuff in my drafts folder) My punctuality-impaired friend - we are on to you. We know that you aren't a bad person. Children don't always cooperate. Traffic is sometimes terrible. Flat tires, weather, locusts - yes, sometimes it isn't your fault. But sometimes, it just is. Like when the birthday party/baby shower/wedding has already … Continue reading We Know Why You Were Late

Sanctimony Don’t Cost a Thing

"Every day is Judgement Day. Always has been. Always will be." ~ Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All I almost didn't see her. I sat there, in my teller chair, safely behind bulletproof glass, wishing for 6 o'clock. Outside, the street in front of the bank had just begun to fill up with rush hour traffic, everyone hurrying to get … Continue reading Sanctimony Don’t Cost a Thing

Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer

I'm never sure if I should say anything, when these things happen. Once a convenience store clerk gave me back my $20 in my change. I gave it back to him because he came running after me yelling "stop thief!" it was the right thing to do. Now, that time McDonald's accidentally gave my daughter … Continue reading Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer

Open Letter to Cat Eating Foot Bloggers

That title doesn't even make sense. How are we supposed to sort out what's really going on there? What IS happening to that cat? It looks unethical. This blog sucks. So, I guess there was a rumble in the blogosphere, or something? Some blogger on blogger conflict. I wasn't part of the action. I'm not very relevant. … Continue reading Open Letter to Cat Eating Foot Bloggers

Things I Learned From the Mouse

(Image: forums.beamdog.com)   Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the … Continue reading Things I Learned From the Mouse