OMG FUCK OFF 2018. Although I will admit that toward the end, because of midterms, you managed to somewhat elevate yourself and release us from the grip of the Human Centipede: Let's Make a Circle variety show that was 2018, there is still much work to do, and I am so ready to move on … Continue reading Probably Not the Only New Years Post You Will Read Today
Gonna keep doing this. I really hate it. I hate publishing rough drafts. But until I learn to give myself a break and stop annihilating everything I write before I even finish it, this is how it is. Or until I give up. ****** It's ok. No really, It's fine. Don't worry about it. No, … Continue reading It’s Okay
Time for the weekly stretch. Like yoga for my brain. It's that time of year again. The time where I see a recipe for a cool Christmas cocktail idea in a magazine and think "I must make that for all of my friends!" forgetting that I don't have any friends and anyway I don't like … Continue reading This is Not a Snowflake Martini Recipe
I was just really excited that I woke up with the urge to go write something this morning. So, um. Here is it. Still publishing poo but my draft folder is empty. I'm going to keep going until...IDK how long. There is a LOT that I have left unexplored but the longer I worked … Continue reading Grace
(Actual unoriginal magnet from my fridge.) I internalize negativity like my skin does sunlight - it doesn't take long to burn me and send me inside to sit in the dark hating everyone and everything. The internet is best experienced with a clear understanding that it is whole LOT of voices, millions, many of which … Continue reading Human
The morning did not start well. I posted this already but I'm not going through that whole picture-resize shenanigans again. "I will relay this with as little bitterness as I can. Hubs fell asleep in front of the TV and rolled over on the remote volume at 4am so I had to come down and … Continue reading Holy—
I have no idea what this woman is doing. Doesn't she know it's winter? She should put on a robe. I can’t keep all my passwords and emails and which platform they go with straight on my phone so I can never clap for a story on Medium without a six step process that involves … Continue reading Truth
I should have broken the last post in two. Because it's 3pm and this is my freewrite which means I'm going to rush through it because I should be writing for tomorrow. I am angry today. I read how Christine Blasey Ford gave the proceeds of her GoFundMe to help other assault survivors, after she … Continue reading Clearly
I'm not sure where I thought I would be with writing, at this point. So I suppose you could argue that there is no way I could know that I'm not there. Yay! I wonder how many people broke their fingers punching the "unsubscribe" button over and over because IS SHE TRYING TO BORE US … Continue reading Cleaning
Tough one today. I revisited the two or three pieces left in my draft folder and decided none of them had merit. This is not the first time I've done this. The story about my friend - maybe I don't finish that one. I read it, I stripped it down to the parts I thought … Continue reading Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
This is what I was doing, instead of writing: Can you even read that? I had to make it huge. If I would have made it public I think I could have embedded it but then firewood dude might have been concerned for his safety. And I still need firewood. And he still hasn't … Continue reading Wood
"Comedy has changed so much since then; it has become unrecognizable since I first began interviewing her in 2016. It has gone from being a variety of ways to tickle a person — real life, funny because it’s true, ironic funny, deadpan funny, parody funny, no-duh funny, slapstick, farce, absurdity, pratfalls, a real variety — … Continue reading Musing
I am cheating. It's Thanksgiving so it is TOTALLY appropriate. I don't care what you think. You are not the boss of me. And this one is better than anything I was coming up with today. And it's old and it's about trying to be less of a … Continue reading Pumpkineater
The small rechargeable cat scratched the emergency backup cat in the eye because he is an asshole. So I made an appointment at the vet and fell asleep. And I woke to having missed the appointment. And they said "that's fine! just bring her now!" But she was hiding, she and her winky eye, under … Continue reading Wink
I have mentioned that I talk fast. Really fast. I've been in speech therapy to figure out how to manage it, and I often forget to use the behaviors I have learned. I know that I am really hard to understand at times. It gets worse when I'm nervous or angry, so the self-perpetuation … Continue reading Prattle
Where we left off: Descending into pathos now. Not where I was going. Where was I going? I'm not sure it matters. And then...the political climate. Politically, I can get along fine with everyone if I just abandon my principles. And that is all I'm going to say about that. Oh, and - we are … Continue reading Penny
That post image is way more dramatic than I feel. Where we left off: ...I had just proved I wasn’t even a good enough writer to find a home for a piece that I had no fucking business writing. And I was done. This is SUPER boring. I know. But it's helping. So, I turned … Continue reading Angst
Well, I have managed to stretch out one free write into a three part-er and that is cool because I didn't want to write this weekend anyway: I still don't know what is going to happen when my original domain expires in June. But onward. I suppose if the last two years have taught me … Continue reading So
I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I was just suddenly SO DONE with That Shameless Hussy. It was cute while it lasted. It was a feisty persona. Awesome cover art. Made some very funny business cards on that persona. "Disappointing Masturbators Since 2013." "Participation Trophy Wife." I was ready for something … Continue reading Obviously
Now I've spent all day messing around on my new blog. Pretty sure I did something wrong. Pretty sure my site is going to self-destruct in about an hour. So I thought I'd give you a historical tour of my artwork. Because do you know how angry I am going to be if I lose … Continue reading Well
I have deleted 2500 words of ragey garbage. I can publish boring garbage, but angry garbage can hurt people. I am scheduling this post for 5pm tomorrow. If I haven't come up with anything better - this is what you get. I know! I'm sorry. I am, meanwhile, overwhelmed with joy for those of you … Continue reading Plan
A wise friend said "There are bloggers who write, and there are writers who blog." I think that's true - which is not to assume that you can't be good at both. Some folks seem to prefer the day to day updates taken at face value, others turn those experiences into something else. No shame … Continue reading Ponder
The two woman walked single file down the path, into the trees. The taller of the two talked over her shoulder at the one behind. They were close enough to hear each other but far enough apart that conversation carried down the trail behind them. Had there been someone following at a safe distance, they … Continue reading Spider
Good habits that I have started because of this: I am recording via voice text good ideas that I have when I don't have access to a computer. Then I come back to them later and have no fucking idea what I was trying to say because voice text is a vindictive squirrel. But a … Continue reading Ketchup
12:58am I’m writing this from my phone in bed because I forgot. (and then she fell asleep.) (and she woke up thinking she had written, but she had not) 11:31am I’ll write something after breakfast. (but she did not eat breakfast. She drank coffee and them she changed out of her nice soft pajamas into … Continue reading Unprofound
So something really exciting happened. As you may know, I used the word poop 1,000,000,0022 times yesterday. On the blog post. Not out loud. Quit asking silly questions. That is not the exciting part. Lo and behold, in the reader at the bottom of my published post appeared two links to other wordpress articles whose … Continue reading Zhuzh
If I play my cards right, it’s possible for me, just by being myself, to be called a snowflake libtard, a white feminist, an apologist, a racist, a whatever-disgusting-slur the alt-right/Nazis cook up for anyone who doesn’t agree with their drooling rhetoric, a baby killer, a gun humper, a feminist whore, an old lady, … Continue reading Dragon
I wrote this in a satire class and have since decided it is amusing, but not worth any further revisions. Regarding This Year's Post Mid-Term Family Holiday Celebration November 6, 2018 Hello from Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex! We know we are sending out our holiday letter a little early, but Thanksgiving is just around … Continue reading Meh
I wonder how many times I'm going to apologize for being terrible at this before I just get on with it. The point was to get into a habit of writing at the same time every day - the reality is that I've just managed to write for a few minutes a day, which is … Continue reading Curmudgeon
18 Steps to Enjoy Your Annual Internet-Free Getaway With Your Mother and Sister For Which You Only Have Yourself to Blame 1. PLAN your screen-free getaway in a cannibas-friendly location because the only way you can share a bed with your sister’s dogs for an entire weekend while listening to your mother describe her bowel … Continue reading Funny
As in, Committed to Writing This Whether I Want to Or Not Let's talk about frozen dead guys and dream carousels! In 1989 Bredo Morstoel (Bread-dough More-stul) died of heart failure during a nap at his mountain retreat in Norway. He was director of parks and Recreation in Baerum County, Norway for 30 years … Continue reading Committed
Another Halloween has come and gone. Not long ago I lamented how both of my kids were about to be too old to trick or treat. It was very poignant and sad. But my 15 year-old son and his 15 year-old girlfriend dressed up as Rick and Morty and went this year, and then they … Continue reading Savasana
I got my hair darkened a week or two ago - right before my birthday, which is a great time to do that. Before, it was blonde with a purple streak and now it is kind of a chestnut - with a purple streak that is less noticeable. I'm not sure how long I will … Continue reading Invisible
First in the series of Somethingest prompts, as supplied by Rarasaur, which worked out magnificently because.... My new blog. My new blog is unfinished. I have been ruminating about this for months. Nablopoblano seemed the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of That Shameless Hussy and debut my new, more subdued creative space. So … Continue reading Something Unfinished
I have been waiting right here! Never mind, it doesn't matter now. I wrote a thing. I finally got to use the Tim Curry/Darkness laugh, which is probably more exciting than the writing. Enjoy!
Do you know what this is? No, not up there. That’s Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, duh. Down there. The picture down there. No, not...what? It doesn't look anything like a vagina, what the hell is wrong with you? Ok, you need to maybe check your Pornhub filters before this conversation goes any further because … Continue reading I Have No Idea What to Call This
That’s kind of a dramatic title. I have miles to go before I sleep, is the point. BA in English Lit, Robert Frost and all that. If you’re reading this, I’m in Amelia Island, FL with my momma and sister and my nephdogs for what will likely be the last time. I KNOW! I can’t … Continue reading Promises to Keep
OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!
Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.
Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.
Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?
Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.
Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?
Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…
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In 1998, I had an experience on a first date that was very similar to what "Grace" described in her interview with Babe magazine about her "date" with Aziz Ansari. There are differences, of course. My date wasn't a celebrity, he was more aggressively persistent, and he actually injured me physically. I had never been … Continue reading Instead of Looking For Ways to Excuse Aziz Ansari, Try Raising the Bar
Well, that's a terrible title. But it's better than what I came up with originally. It’s better than all seventeen ideas I came up with originally. Particulary those involving Unnatural Acts and Certain Public Figures Being Forcibly Launched Into Orbit. If the year could be expressed in a gif, it would be this one: … Continue reading I’d Like to Give the World the Finger
Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the … Continue reading I Turned Fifty and This is What Happened
What do you think of the new art? I dig it. I'm on The Haven being mediocrely satirical. Which may or may not be my new band name.*shrugs* Come visit. The view is nice, funny people are there, and The Founder is only cranky sometimes. ************************************ The Handmaid's Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather? … Continue reading While I Wasn’t Here…..
Let's cut to the chase: I have a tumor. In my leg. I'm not that worried, actually. I'm sure it's nothing. I just kneeded a subject, tibia honest. Anyway. It's (probably) called an enchondroma, unless it isn't, in which case it could be called a chondrosarcoma and this will become a very awkward post in the near future. No, … Continue reading Going Out On a Limb
I don't even know what the fuck that means. I was scrolling Facebook last week before bed, and chasing my blood pressure and cholesterol meds with my usual bedtime snack of three fibergummies*: an amber one and two dark red ones whose actual flavors elude me, when that phrase floated through my brain, right on the heels of realizing that … Continue reading The Revolution Will Be Fueled by Fibergummies
There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last … Continue reading Why Can’t We Be Friends?
Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as … Continue reading Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead
I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because … Continue reading With Apologies to Dr. Seuss and…Well, Everyone.
(Image: forums.beamdog.com) Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the … Continue reading Things I Learned From the Mouse
Forty seconds. Any one of a thousand mornings, a man leaves one place and drives toward another. Maybe he forgets his lunch, or his shoe is untied, or he drops his smokes, so he’s late. Or maybe he doesn’t, it isn’t, or he quit a year ago, and he is right on schedule. Maybe he pounds the … Continue reading Forty Seconds
It came in the mail, those months ago, with very little fanfare, as mail tends to do. As with most things, I handled it like a mature and responsible adult. I googled "Goth Hippie Freakshow" and asked my husband if he thought it would make sense to actually dye my hair purple. Fake piercings are probably … Continue reading How Not to Avoid Jury Duty