Time for the weekly stretch. Like yoga for my brain.
It’s that time of year again.
The time where I see a recipe for a cool Christmas cocktail idea in a magazine and think “I must make that for all of my friends!” forgetting that I don’t have any friends and anyway I don’t like cooking or people.
Three years ago it was the cherry wine. Apparently wine making isn’t a thing you learn on Pinterest. That’s what the lady at the wine-making supply shop said to me, anyway. She had some anger issues. But I didn’t let that stop me, and a few weeks later I had some very impressive moldy vinegar growing in my basement.
So everybody got a card.
Then there was the moonshine. The Apple Cider Moonshite, as I like to call it. Pouring Everclear into some boiling cider with a cinnamon stick and some cayenne pepper does not a fancy hot holiday drink make, unless you are hoping to use it to strip your deck. No matter what Pinterest says.
So everybody pretended to like it and dumped it someplace where they weren’t trying to grow anything.
Last year it was the Christmas Sangria.
I love Sangria, don’t you? I love it so much that when I saw that recipe I ran out and bought all the ingredients for 10 Christmas Sangria Kits. White wine, ginger ale. Pear and apples and oranges. I bought LOTS of pears and apples and oranges.
On December 1st. I was super excited.
And then I remembered that I wouldn’t actually need them for three weeks.
Yep. Lotta rotten fruit that Christmas. I almost had wine again.
And then I bought more fruit and put it all together.
And everyone said “delicious!” but I’m pretty sure they just drank the wine straight out of the bottle and hoped I just got them a nice Target gift card next year. But no.
This year, as is tradition, it is the Snowflake Martini. Here is the recipe, courtesy of Delish (click the picture):
Doesn’t that sound amazing? I KNOW!
As is usually the case, tho, my desire to give lovely booze presents to all of my friends is quickly overridden by my desire to not visit more than two stores. And to not spend a million dollars, or have to portion a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liqueur, because it’s not nearly as cool in a zip lock bag.
Also I run out of patience quickly, and there is equal odds that I will wind up standing in the parking lot with a spray bottle of Fireball, spritzing my coworkers as they try to get to their cars and shouting “Jus puddit in a boddle! Hahaha no, YOU smell likka a Jolly Rancher! Merry Christmas!”
So I improvise. I get ingredients that come pre-portioned. I stand in the cake aisle in Wal Mart waiting for iridescent or white sanding sugar to materialize, once I have figured out what sanding sugar is. I settle for silver, from Wilton because that will also look VERY cool. I decide that I am not paying $5 for a set of 3 plastic martini glasses but a few minutes later I will be fine with paying a dollar for each because DOLLAR STORE y’all – and to be fair, they were made of glass and I decided against them and bought the plastic wine goblet because it looks more martini-y and were 2 for a dollar. I even bought the lemons, after which I immediately decide not to use them because I read the comments on the recipe.
I get airplane size bottles of Rumchata and Vanilla Vodka and Coconut rum.* I get a big package of mini-moos creamer packets. A bunch of York peppermint patties and some Santa kisses. And a bottle of chocolate syrup for drizzles.
*not actual size of airplane. Because that is ridiculous. Where would you keep them?
Little known fact: If you get silver Wilton Sanding Sugar wet? It turns rusty yellow. Which adds a gross unforeseen wrinkle to the Snowflake martini. How is that even possible? Really glad I tested that.
And I went back out and bought white sprinkles, bigger but at least they don’t turn into brown smears.
And I packaged everything together in adorable little treat bags with a cute little ramekin of chocolate syrup for drizzles.
And I renamed them Let it Snow martinis because the brown swirl seemed wrong in the snowflake context. Much like the yellow sugar. And I rewrote the recipe to include the unauthorized ingredients.
So I pretty much threw some shit in a bag and told everyone to wing it.
So, we are right on track for this year. I’m giving five of them away today. I’m sure they will all love them.