I have no idea what this woman is doing. Doesn’t she know it’s winter? She should put on a robe.

I can’t keep all my passwords and emails and which platform they go with straight on my phone so I can never clap for a story on Medium without a six step process that involves re-adding an old email to get a code and figuring out the email password by process of elimination and by then I forgot what the fuck I was reading that I wanted to clap for.

There are people in my life that I don’t like. I keep them because of shared history and because I’m afraid I’m unlikeable. I secretly think I am drawn to toxic people but then I wonder – if I am the common denominator, does that mean it is me that is toxic?

I eat Chef Boy R Dee ravioi by peeling one side off and eating it, eating the center, then the other side. But I eat homemade the normal way. I eat pizza rolls by biting off the corners and squishing out the filling.

Every single therapist that I knew on a personal level before they entered the field is extremely fucked up, many of them are self-destructive and I wouldn’t trust their advice, which I know is not fair. Therapists I only know professionally don’t seem that way – but I always wonder. I suppose that people thinking me being a speech therapist is funny makes more sense in that light.

I have always been fascinated with the levels of perception: how we see ourselves, how others see us, and how we think others see us, and how they are woven together, and what happens when they are out of synch.

I still have Shallows from A Star is Born in my head AND ITS BEEN LIKE TWO WEEKS STOP STOP STOP.

A lot of newer things I read from/by/about feminists/m I think are bullshit, and as I consider myself to be a feminist that makes me very uncomfortable.  But when I said “bullshit” I could actually feel the ears of some third wave feminists perk up and I could hear “oh yeaaaaahhhhh? Which, specifically, do you think is bullshit? Can you defend that statement? How old are you again? Don’t you think it’s time you just stepped aside and stopped offering your opinion, ma’am?” But I also find that I bristle at statements that go against what I learned in feminist theory – which is evolving. Always. I appreciate that I am much more aware of the thread of internalized misogyny that runs through us masquerading as strength. I often wonder how the next generation, if we get to have one, will eviscerate the last for its mistakes.

I have more questions than answers and I don’t trust people who claim otherwise.

Am I purging, or just ruminating?

Is it really 4:38? It is? That is all for today.

 

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