I wrote this in a satire class and have since decided it is amusing, but not worth any further revisions.
Regarding This Year’s Post Mid-Term Family Holiday Celebration
November 6, 2018
Hello from Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex!
We know we are sending out our holiday letter a little early, but Thanksgiving is just around the corner – we hope you’ve all had a terrific year! We’re all fine! Really!
We’re so glad – and a little surprised, after that whole SWAT misunderstanding last year – that everyone voted to spend the holidays at our place in Denver again this year. But we are super excited to see you all!
Hey, speaking of voting, I know everyone has their political bug-a-boos. That’s just Democracy! Someone has to win – and we’re all adults here. But like our attorney says – a few ground rules never hurt anyone, right? And that’s also what our insurance agent says. So, we thought we’d just make a few things a little clearer than they were last year. Nothing to get excited about! Ha, ha!
This Agreement contains the Contract Terms and Conditions that are applicable to all accommodation arrangements for the 2018 Holiday Season made between the below signed parties.
THIS offer of accommodation is hereby made to you, The Guest, by us, The Host, for the designated season only, dependent on you having no previous record of disruption, acts of aggression, verbal or otherwise, or viable threats thereof.
- Guests are strongly encouraged to process their grief/elation regarding the midterm elections in the days prior to attendance.
- High-fiving over the heads of other guests while openly weeping with joy is discouraged.
- Staring at other guests with unbridled hatred while repeatedly asking “Why? Why?” shall be limited to a duration of twenty seconds with no more than three occurrences per guest.
- NO FIREARMS OR EXPLOSIVES OF ANY KIND PERMITTED I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THAT AGAIN, UNCLE STU.
- Pickets or protests will be confined to the area immediately north of the fire pit.
- NO FIRES THIS YEAR. You brought this on yourselves. Looking at you, Clarence.
- All guest are entitled to one (1) chair, sufficient space to eat, and unlimited access to subsequent servings. Any attempt to weaponize food, utensils or furniture as well as the “discovery” of another guest’s plate while shouting “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? HAPPY GENOCIDE DAY, COLONIZER!” is expressly prohibited and will result in immediate expulsion – it wasn’t funny the first time you did it, Janine.
- Any attempt to build any kind of wall on the premises (Really, Gavin? Really?), shall be considered an act of aggression and will be referred to law enforcement.
- Force majeure: Neither party shall be held liable for damages, property or otherwise, if sustained as the result of force majeure. “Force majeure” includes but is not limited to floods, landslides, avalanches or fire AND WILL NOT PERTAIN to any act, intentional or otherwise, by guests, WHETHER OR NOT said act is preceded or followed by scripture and/or the words “As God is my witness.”
Allegations of breaches of this agreement need not be proved ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’. The standard of proof applied is the ‘balance of probabilities’ which means that, when assessing the evidence objectively, the Host’s view is that it is more likely than not that the allegation is proved. Because this is not the Supreme Court, Aunt Delia.
Entirely at our sole discretion, this agreement may also be terminated earlier. If any guest fails to honor our decision, we may commence proceedings to obtain a court order requiring you to leave. Sheriff Dale says hello, Uncle Stu!
If, during your stay, you are the direct or indirect cause of a visit from police or any other law enforcement agency, you will not be eligible for future accommodations. The Host’s decision is final and shall not be overridden.
That’s it! if you would all take a minute to read this, sign it, have it witnessed, notarized, and returned to me via registered mail no later than midnight Friday, November 16th, with your deposit per the attached liability matrix (those picky insurance people, am I right?) that would be super. Official checks only, please!
Thanks, everyone! Marie, don’t forget to bring that amazing seven layer dip! And your swim suits! See you soon!
Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex