18 Steps to Enjoy Your Annual Internet-Free Getaway With Your Mother and Sister For Which You Only Have Yourself to Blame
1. PLAN your screen-free getaway in a cannibas-friendly location because the only way you can share a bed with your sister’s dogs for an entire weekend while listening to your mother describe her bowel habits is when you are properly baked.
2. CHOOSE your Air BNB based entirely on deceptive photos of the mountain view that you can now tell were taken from the top of a tree, but at least the hot tub is actually on the property.
3. DISCOVER the location of local dispensaries and buy a cubic liter of OG Kush gummy bears because your mother just announced that there is only one bathroom for the 397th time.
4. VISIT The Mellow Moose while you are out and buy a crocheted fedora with a peacock feather band so that no one will mistake you for a tourist.
5. BITE the head off a gummy bear every time your mother says the hat makes you look “old mannish.”
6. DINE on an entire bag of Fritos and Double Stuf Oreos because fuck everyone in this stupid town who doesn’t like you or your cool hat. You are NOT paranoid.
7. BROWSE the guestbook reviews of your Air BnB. Sob inconsolably over Bethany and Kevin’s story of their dating anniversary weekend and subsequent engagement.
8. TAKE advantage of the hot tub. Sincerely thank each gummy for giving its life for this moment before you doze off while wondering how many of the previous guests besides Bethany and Kevin have been “engaged” in here.
9. ENJOY watching The Princess Bride DVD with the dogs. And a few more gummies. Watch it again because you forgot you already did.
10. ASK your mother how she feels about your hat so you have an excuse to eat another gummy and giggle like an idiot.
11. SPEND 20 minutes trying to figure out how to sign in to Twitter on the microwave keypad.
12. NOTICE you are out of gummies.
13. PONDER the majestic mountains and lament the sociopathic destruction of our environment, our country, our democracy, and our future until you fall asleep while crying and hugging the dogs.
14. WAKE UP and create a rating system for dog breath, with 1 for “just woke up” and 10 for “just excavated my own rectum.”
15. REALIZE it may not be the dog.
16. REMEMBER you are still out of gummies. And cash.
17. TRY to return your cool hat, only to learn that The Mellow Moose has a store-credit only policy, those tricky bastards.
18. VOW to never shop there again – except for this authentic Chullo hat that will surely make you look like you’ve lived in this town your whole life.