Another Halloween has come and gone. Not long ago I lamented how both of my kids were about to be too old to trick or treat. It was very poignant and sad. But my 15 year-old son and his 15 year-old girlfriend dressed up as Rick and Morty and went this year, and then they came back and answered the door for us, and my daughter went as some anime character that I am not motivated enough to find out a name for. She carried a bat and wore a pointy crown. All I know.

So. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. Or something like that.

I’m not sad, most of the time. Most of the time, the world just feels flat. Nothing worth getting out of bed for. I do. I get up anyway. I go to the gym every morning and I clean house on a schedule so it doesn’t feel like the giant endless soul suck that it is, I make plans with friends, I work two jobs, but I do it without much enthusiasm. Everything disappoints me, and I anger very quickly, for reasons I don’t even understand. There is no energy, no drive.

And sometimes, like today in yoga, I do something silly like start to cry while in savasana. I love yoga. It’s actually “gentle” yoga for people like me who can’t touch their toes. I do look forward to it, as it is the only break I get from the running banter of anxiousness in my head. Savasana, or “corpse” is like a two minute bonus nap for my brain. It’s the last thing we do. I have no idea what happened. I was just focusing on my breathing and there were tears rolling down my neck.

And I covered it with a towel, said namaste and got on with my day.

I know I’m not me right now. I know I’m not funny. I know I’m not making the world brighter.

I told my husband I might have depression and he laughed. “What do you have to be depressed about?”

That may be the faintest scratch at the surface, I think.

Tomorrow I will write about the Frozen Dead Guy. See if I can’t lighten things up a bit.

Things I am grateful for:

Spaghetti.

Reeses peanut butter pumpkins.

Toddlers who don’t understand the rules of freeze tag.

nanopoblano2018-notrim

Advertisements