Do you know what this is? No, not up there.

That’s Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, duh. Down there. The picture down there. No, not…what? It doesn’t look anything like a vagina, what the hell is wrong with you? Ok, you need to maybe check your Pornhub filters before this conversation goes any further because I don’t even want to know what category you are watching. That is clearly a Dracula Plant. The little card that they stuck in the pot said so.

Not a vagina.

We had a hail storm last week that took out all of my petunias, my senettis, my marigolds, my salvia, beat the shit out of my hibiscus, and did $8,000 in damage to my car in less than two minutes, and I suddenly found myself in desperate need of something to bring me joy.

Joy has been in short supply lately. Before the sky opened and took a big frozen crap on my immediate future, I lost one of my feralish cats when she was frightened into the street by a lawn mower; one of the unfortunate hazards of being an outdoor cat. Then for whatever reason, the rest of my little family scattered. I didn’t realize how much happy they brought me until they were gone.  Three days later I rescued a kitten who was running from a lawn mower and now we have three indoor cats. Don’t read too much universal balance into it. I named him Chaos. He brings me joy.

I know. He is STUPID CUTE.

Anyway. Imagine my surprise when I found out he is a good source of protein.


Anyway. I am not a plant person. I find them to be needy, and I don’t have the emotional capacity for something that can’t even get its own water. I like to yell “bloom where you are planted!” at them, bury them and let them figure it out. This plant was all by himself and his little card said “Dracula Plant” and that was all I needed to know. Because I shouldn’t even have to water him, right? I should just wake up every morning with fewer and fewer neighbors.

In related news, every time I water and/or feed my plants I find myself singing that song from Little Shop of Horrors: “The Guy Sure Looks Like Plant Food to Me.”


Probably nothing to worry about. Anyway.

So I yanked the ravaged hibiscus and stuck that in the hole. TALKING ABOUT PLANTS HERE. And I surrounded it with a bunch of other shit that may or may not grow in full sun. If they die it’s because they didn’t try hard enough.

A Dracula Plant needs full sun? Also I wondered how long before that glorious flower would die and if I could get more of them if I cut it off.

Since I had long since thrown away the little card, a reverse image search was in order.

It’s a Cockscomb. No, like a rooster.


It’s a type of amaranth, and its leaves are good for salad and its seeds are a great source of protein. Shut up.

Which means I grew something with actual food value without even knowing it!

Which was a lot more exciting when I started writing this. Kind of disappointing, actually. I have a neighbor or two that would have made great plant food.

But it’s all I got.


7 thoughts on “I Have No Idea What to Call This

  1. Typed in “plants that look like vaginas” and that one doesnt show up. Doesn’t look like Dracula either. Would have to eat many pussies of that size to be considered protein. Is only furball. Remove the fur and it seems to disappear. Entirely bald kitties are disturbing IMO. Regardless to Intent to consume.
    Estrogen farm appears to have effected your writing. Not in a bad way but there’s clearly an underlying theme. Naming your pussy ‘chaos’ might be a summation.
    I don’t believe trophy wife is intended for that environment.

    1. But does it look like a cockscomb? Chaos was less about the pussy as it was the universe, but that doesn’t change the part about the estrogen farm affecting my writing. It’s probably going to get worse.

      1. Never thought plant looked like the crest of chicken or rooster. Maybe another type of male bird.
        Think it was just a good excuse for saying the word cock but it may have been a play on words and their timely social meaning. ‘Cock of the walk’ in instance. From confident successful young man to impudent conceited flamboyant ass.

  2. Oh, plants! Even Audrey II couldn’t get her own food and had to bully Seymour to supply it. Anyway, Chaos is way cute. Of course, being a cat, he will also say, “FEED ME!”.

      1. He reminds me of Munchie ( short for The Munchkin), a cat I had for 19 years. She was the runt of an abandoned feral litter (no clue what happened to the mom) and absolutely fearless and loyal defender of her adoptive cat family.

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