That’s right. It’s better than yours.

Today is my birthday. I am “waxes my lady parts the same day I pluck my chin” old.

I am a Libra, and, as such, am way more balanced and rational than you. Also I am charming and irresistible, especially on wax and pluck days.

I have always been proud of my Libra heritage, mostly because my horoscopes are way better than yours, and that is mostly because they contain the word “Uranus” more than the other signs. Fact checkers, I give you…Libra Love Horoscope, 2013:

You’ll nevertheless get stuck with a certain pressure that Pluto is exerting from Capricorn on Libra’s home and privacy and especially on Uranus, which is in Libra’s house of couples. Saturn’s elimination from the equation will mean great relief. Uranus still has a lot of surprises for Libra’s by 2018. It will do and undo before you know it…with Uranus in Libra’s house of couple you can’t have an ordinary, dull, common relational life. Full of energy and playfulness, Uranus will demand experiments, new things, action and originality. Uranus needs independence, it can’t stand constraints. It brings together and sets apart as suddenly. In order to get Uranus off your back in an honorable way, you’ll have to create the new, the unusual, the change. ~eAstroLog

In 2014 this writer was fired for misappropriation of puns and for not having enough pieces of flare on his big pointy hat. This year Uranus seems to be over itself, and is mentioned only as being “anchored by a trine with Saturn.” Which I’m pretty sure is illegal in 14 states, but Uranus doesn’t give two shits is fresh out of fucks doesn’t care one bit.

So this morning, there I was, being all diplomatic, charming and self-indulgent – you know how we Librans are – when I saw that NASA HAS BOTCHED UP ALL THE HOROSCOPES!

There are apparently 13 astrological signs, instead of the 12 we had been led to believe.

In a statement issued on their blog earlier this year, NASA said “Blah blah Babylonians 3,000 years blah blah 12 signs 13 constellations blah blah don’t blame us, we aren’t the ones who failed math and astronomy you hippie freakshow. Also we make more money than you, did your horoscope predict that? NO, it didn’t.”

When this revelation raised the collective hackles of hundreds of people with zodiac tattoos, NASA reportedly responded “Science. Math. Seriously.”

Apparently, the forgotten sign is called Ophiuchus, which pretty much explains it, because Ophiuchus is that slurpy kid who sits behind you in 7th grade History class. Ophiuchus begs you to go to homecoming but stands you up because you said you only want to be friends. Ophiuchus is the kind of person who always wants a ride to work but never gives you gas money. Ophiuchus is a sleepfarter.

So, now I am a Virgo.

Libra: “…fair-minded, charming, graceful, nonviolent, vain, cocky, and keenly perceptive. The pursuit of justice is a sacred quest for every Libran, and it’s represented by the House’s symbol, the Scales of Justice.”

Virgo: “…organized, practical, shrewd, and analytical, and can be obsessive, anal-retentive, and pedantic. Virgos are control freaks who like to be self-sufficient—that’s why their gift is knowing the secrets of the earth.”  (

I’ve gone from being Sabrina from Charlie’s Angels to Monica from Friends. Thanks, Science!





And while we are on the subject, Science, you can stop being so smug about those other theories, like evolution and gravity. They are just theories, and it turns out that the dinosaur/man coexistance mystery has been solved, via this observant commenter I found while googling “stupid science things I don’t have to believe:”

Dinosaurs did exist with humans, but they were just overgrown iguanas and lizards and alligators. It is a fact that reptiles never stop growing. They grow until they die, like some fish and other types of animals. Now, in Genesis, man lived to be many hundred years old. Methusalah lived to be 969. Now, if man lived this long, why not animals? It makes very good sense.

Take that! No dinosaurs, just really big fucking iguanas.

Bet you feel pretty stupid right about now.


I am disappointed in you, NASA Science People. You clearly did not think this through. In addition to all the embarassing tattoos, useless jewelry, refunds on starcharts, groundless breakups and long term relationships that can no longer be explained, you can also expect the people in that dancing hippie movie to be super pissed off because Oops, Perhaps This is Not The Dawning Of The Age of Aquarius Just Yet isn’t nearly as catchy.

But not as pissed off as the Scorpios. It doesn’t pay to piss off a Scorpio, and now the Scorpio zodiac range is only 6 days long. That’s the same length as the average menstrual period and the average hemorrhoid flare-up, as well as the length of the average male penis. 

The average male penis is 6 inches long, not 6 days, stupid, I can’t believe you bought that.

You’re such an Ophiuchus.

10 thoughts on “My Sun Sign Brings All the Boys to Uranus

  1. You had me at pluto’s pressure. I don’t care what your sign is, you are one of my fav’s and I’m so very glad your parents had unprotected sex. Happy happy birthday.

  2. Happy Birthday. As for the reshuffling of Astrology, I thought of the song “Signs” by The Five Man Electric Band (way back in the day:

    Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
    Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind
    Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?

    Have a great Birthday.

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