Breaking news: A 45 year-old woman was reportedly questioned and released today after being traumatized by Google search results that she received when she entered the search term “Nick Cage and Vince Neil Dance Battle”
Police were called when the woman, who is actually 46, was heard shouting by neighbors after a google search of the two celebrities included photos of Kylie Jenner and cranberry sauce. “That is FANCY WAVY SLICED cranberry sauce! Well, LAH DEE DAH! Who has time for that? Do they think no one will know it came from a can? Are they some kind of foodie snob?? Why is Kylie Jenner in here at all?” The woman, who turns 48 this year, was released when it was determined that Googling “cranberry sauce” did not, in fact, yield pictures of Nick Cage or Vince Neil. Investigation is pending.
In a related story, production of the yet-to-be-announced-and-probably-imaginary sequel to the 1997 blockbuster Face/Off was halted on Thursday (which was, coincidentally, National Alcohol Screening Day) when co-stars Nick Cage and Vince Neil forgot they were not in a movie. Neil was charged with battery when he allegedly attacked a woman he mistook for himself and tried to pull her hair off in an attempt to expose her as an imposter as she approached Cage for an autograph.
Neil, 55, was restrained by Cage, 52, after a “huge fistfight” in which no actual punches were thrown, and was told to “stop this sh*t right now.” The men then began slow dancing, while approximately 400,000 people stood around with their mouths hanging open, stupidly recording the incident on their smart phones, each apparently believing they had scooped everyone else. Neil, who remains at large, “is believed to have a home” in Vegas, although exactly who believes it remains unspecified. The city declined to comment.
The unidentified woman is reported to have muttered “…if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” as she left the scene.
Neil was previously arrested for battery in 1991 for “jabbing” his ex-girlfriend at a theater, apparently while not shouting “Slug bug!” and “Two for flinching!!!”
An unnamed source confirmed that John Travolta turned down offers to reprise his role as Agent Asher in the sequel to the John Woo-directed action movie that paved the way for such cinema classics as “The Transporter” and “The Human Centipede,” leaving Cage free to recommend his long-time friend Neil for the role. The title of the sequel is undecided, but we were able to confirm that it is not “The Time the 90’s Tried to Kick It’s Own Ass,” as had been indicated by an unknown source on Twitter.
An upcoming bakesale in Australia attempted to illustrate and “start a conversation” about the gender pay gap by using a sliding scale pricing structure according to the percentage of $1.00 earned by each group “comparative to men.” For example, a woman of color in the legal profession would only pay fifty-five cents for the same item for which a man, or anyone who identifies as a man, would pay a dollar, as stated in the bakesale description. The sale was declared an unprecedented success before it even opened, as men and women were eager to gather and find a common ground to discuss this important issue in a calm and reasonable manner while holding hands and singing Carly Simon’s “Let the Rivers Run” from the 1988 film Working Girl.
Just kidding! Unfortunately, talks abruptly ceased when a male participant suggested that the baked goods might “tone it down on the frosting” or people might “get the wrong idea” and a female participant countered by claiming that the shape of the cupcakes was itself misogynistic and squashed them all into little tiny testicle shapes, that she at first lobbed at passing motorists and then just began jumping up and down on them (the cupcakes) while screaming “I’ve got your gap right here!!!” until she was arrested.***
Still just kidding! ***Editors note: the announcement of this very real bake sale resulted in actual threats of violence toward the female organizers, for which I am both not surprised and am very disappointed. That behavior is reprehensible. I only make light of the stereotypes, not of the disturbing and criminal actions of those opposed to this sort of event. The fact that I have to explain that provides a tidy lead into our final story….
In other news, sources report that there has been a recent surge in the number of bloggers afflicted with a syndrome known as “sanctimonious buzzword” syndrome. The affliction is a fast-spreading and largely fatal virus that is hallmarked by the overuse of certain words when trying to deflect any kind of disagreement, or when anyone else attempts to guide the subject matter away from the blogger’s own unique, personal experience that you wouldn’t understand anyway. Warning signs include the sudden and excessive use of the words “gaslighting,” “privilege,” and “entitled” to describe anyone trying to express a point of view that differs from their own. The disease culminates with the blogger chanting the word “narcissist” three times in succession while standing in front of a mirror, at which point they become the fairest of them all, order a huntsman to kill a princess, and crawl up their own ass and disappear.
And, that’s the news. Tune in for next week’s segment, when we explore “What to do when you can’t find anything to write about.”