Gentlemen: I want to talk about your lingam. Not to be confused with your lingus. Although I am fond of them both.

Well, not yours, specifically.

As far as I know.

The 90’s were kind of a blur.

Anyway. I have been sick for the last few days, which has left me with several unoccupied hours, in my bed. Reading.

And so, there I was, scantily clad and feverish, breathing shallowly, making disgusting phlegmy noises that I came….across an article about “Lingam Massage” and “Awakening His Sexual Energy.”

I feel like, most of the time, awakening the energy it is not the problem. It’s getting it to go back to sleep. Or being in synch with my sexual energy, so that his energy isn’t trying to awaken while I load the dishwasher and my energy isn’t awake at midnight, reading “erotica” all by itself.

But I like to try new things.

So, I googled “lingam massage” and found a fairly graphic, illustrated description, and some video.

I’m pretty sure that’s what that video was. A lingam. Being massaged. Google it yourself. I’ll wait here.

To be clear, I am totally on board with this. I would do it in a house, I would do it on a boat. I would do it, Sam I am. (disclaimer: the previous endorsement should not be construed as an invitation for sexual congress of any kind, even the kind with handcuffs, to any person or persons, living or dead, whose forename and/or surname includes, is limited to, or can be shortened or lengthened to “Sam.” Also, it is totally called a “forename”.)

You just can’t make me take it seriously.

As I read, I took careful mental notes and thought only of how I can become a better spouse and life partner. Also, there are several points at which I shrieked and rolled off the bed making sounds like a chicken who has swallowed Drano.

Fine, I’m immature. Blow me. But first: The Lingam Massage

Step one:  Have the receiver lie on his back with pillows under his head so he can look up at his partner. Gently massage the legs, abdomen, thighs, chest, nipples, etc., to get the receiver to relax.

Relaxed. Right. That’ll happen. Men think that brushing Dorito crumbs off your shirt is a sexual overture, not that I am complaining. I’m sure he will relax right through that nipple business.

It is at this point that the actual lingam (“really”) massage (“ahandjob”) begins. Only we have to be pretentious about it, and say things like Orgasm is not the goal of the lingam massage, although it is a welcome side effect. So it’s ok if it happens, but not a big deal if it doesn’t.

Wow. Just like actual sex, for some women.

But first:  Prior to massaging the lingam it is essential to ask permission before touching it to pay respect and honour it as a sacred organ. Yes, “honour.” Am I asking the receiver, or the sacred organ directly? That sacred organ? The same sacred organ that you were helicoptering at me on Tuesday, and that I sometimes refer to as Gollum, and that some folks use as cyber greeting cards on Twitter? On any other day I can touch it with any part of my body and you are thrilled but today, I have to ask permission so that you can not like it too much.

Ok. Whatever.

It is at this point that we may begin the “massaging of the lingam” part of the lingam massage, assuming that we have a note from the lingam’s mother. This is where it gets interesting.

Massage the head of the Lingam as if you are using an orange juicer.

I will be super efficient at this. We have a Magic Bullet.

But they probably don’t mean with an actual orange. Right?

Or maybe they do.

I’ve tried it. You should all be married to someone who puts so much effort into making a farce out of everything. It was voted “interesting” but “sticky.” Just sit there and stew in your jealousy. I’ll wait here.

But I digress.

Step three: Gently squeeze at the base, pull up and slide off, alternating hands. I practiced this on the…um… imaginary lingam that I keep in my nightstand for a few moments. I anchored it between my thighs for enhanced realism.

Huh. Kind of like a handjob.

Except I realized I was making this weird, rhythmic shooping noise with each “slide.” “Shoop shoop shoop shoop.Apologies to Salt-N-Pepa.

I try not to do that during actual massages. It’s distracting, I’m told.

Which brings us to the final step – after several minutes of shooping, monitoring his breathing and general well-being, and harshing his mellow everytime he gets too happy, you are instructed to find the “Sacred Spot.”

Find and massage the male Sacred Spot. There is a small indentation about the size of a pea or maybe larger midway between the testicles and anus. Be gentle and push inward. Then:

The man may have strong emotions come up during access to the Sacred Spot.

I can attest to that. Wait, is running from my house screaming while I chase you with a Magic Bullet a strong emotion?

6 thoughts on “Don’t Know How You Do The Voodoo That You Do…

  1. I am pretty sure I just wet my Bridget Jones style white silken grannies panties and choked on a blueberry all while my daughter and the paused Johnny Depp on the screen are looking at me like I’ve gone mad

Comments are closed.