Let us first assume that you have a Chicken Pot Pie in your possession. The brand does not matter; I prefer homemade or Marie Callender, but Swanson will do in a pinch. CHEAP-ASS PIES WITH ONLY A TOP CRUST ARE TO BE DISCARDED IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
Pronunciation: It is not Chicken POT Pie. There is no pot in this pie. Pot is what you have BEFORE the damn pie, it is Pie Foreplay. Pot is not the important noun. Neither is Chicken. Chicken, like the vegetables, is merely an excuse for eating The Crust. Pie is the important noun, and should be stressed with the proper respect: Chicken Pot PIE. Henceforth, for the purposes of this lesson, The Chicken Pot PIE shall be referred to as “The Pie” for the sake of efficiency. It shall be divided into distinct parts: “The Crust” and “The Filling”. Further, The Filling shall be subdivided into “The Chicken,” “The Veggies” and “The Broth.”
First, bake the pie. Whether it is store bought or homemade, the crust should be golden brown and the filling should be bubbling, and your eyes should be hurting and your gut should be making noises like it is a large animal that wants sexy time. You will not undercook the crust. You will not burn the crust. Allow it to sit and stew in its own heavenly self for a few minutes after removing it from the heat source. This is called “allowing the pie to rest.”
Now. Very carefully, using the knife if you are an amateur, or the tines of the fork if you are me, to cut the top crust out in a circle. Do not break the crust. Do not mix it up in the filling like a damn heathen. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
Using the fork, carefully remove the circle of crust and place face DOWN on the plate. “Face down” means with the part that touched the filling UP, genius. That way you don’t have a sloppy mess on your plate later on in the process.
Now that we have established you are a hack, use the knife, not the tines of the fork like me, to separate the fluted part of the crust from the part submerged in the filling. FLUTED. THE PART AROUND THE EDGE THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE PINCHED IT. Because I goddamned said so, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS BLOG? GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
Very carefully place each piece of fluted, flaky golden crust beside the circle from the previous step. DO NOT MINGLE THE PIECES!
Set all pieces of crust aside STOP TOUCHING THEM RIGHT NOW!
Using the fork, you may now consume the filling. Start with the chicken, watch for little pieces of random chicken yuck if it’s Swanson. Otherwise, chew on. The carrots should be consumed next, followed by the potatoes and onions, if relevant, and then the peas. The order in which you consume the veggies is of no consequence. Then you may use the spoon to consume the broth. Eat it slowly. Eat each piece with reverence, in anticipation of what is to come. Focus on the pie. Taste the special seasoning. Feel your arteries constrict from the 200 grams of fat and 4,000mg of sodium. Do not. Violate. The integrity. Of the bottom crust. Be gentle! Side note: If you bought some damn cheap pie with gristly dark chicken and scary vegetables, I should make you eat them just to teach you a lesson. But I’m not. You may use the spoon to dump that shit right in the trash.
Once you have consumed or disposed of the filling, scrape the crust with the spoon to remove any residual broth. Be. Gentle! Treat that crust like it is a baby and you are it’s momma. Now lick the spoon. Unless you threw the filling away because you are a cheap ass, then THROW THAT SHIT AWAY TOO.
It is time to eat the crust.
Crust. Crust is the Chicken Pot PIE’S reason for existing. Crust is amazing. Crust is almost better than sex. Unlike sex, YOU MAY NOT DROP THE CRUST ON THE FLOOR. If you should drop any piece of the crust on the floor – you will not observe a 5 second rule. You will not allow one of your pets to eat it. You will pick it up. The only exception is in the unlikely event that you drop into something that makes it no longer edible. Like gasoline. If you do that, know that I will haunt your dreams with one of those Pampered Chef apple corer/peelers and a rolling pin.
Now get out of my kitchen.